Officially that guy
by gargomon
Summary: A very salty guy gets sent into the Dreamworks' She-ra verse and has the body of an X-com avatar with all the psychic shennanigans that it entails. Also will have lemons eventually. Do not read unless you want to have a headache.


AN: Do not, I REPEAT DO _NOT_ read this unless you have a high cringe threshold. I wrote this when the show first started and was on its first season. I had a bit of a hate boner, mostly due to how a lot of people said how bad and stupid the designs were and how they probably botched the story and whatnot. I recently remembered that I wrote this and decided to finish it and post it here on fanfic net and hopefully change it into something less cringe inducing or at minimum something not too bad.

* * *

These woods are ridiculous. They look like something from Shrek's swamp, yet they stand on ground fit for some proper oaks.

I should probably expand on what happened.

To do so, let me ask a question. Were you at some point in your life so tired that instead of just getting into bed you just hurl yourself onto it, expecting to fall on the soft and springy mattress? I did just that but instead of meeting mattress I kept on falling…and falling…and falling, until I hit the cold ground. How did I survive a fall that lasted longer than 30 seconds? Who knows, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have an alien physiology, that would make a geneticist hurl rainbows at the amount of implausible and stupid genetic sequence that makes my body so resilient.

I realized pretty soon that I'm in the body of Avatar, more specifically the Commander's. You know the one from X-Com.

I mean how many beings have white hair that defy gravity and have a slight blue glow. That and the armor I have on me is pretty much a perfect replica, at least from my memories.

What surprised me is that I don't have the psi amp. How am I supposed to use my powers then!

_Someone ROBs me and doesn't even give me the one thing to use my powers!_

I grab my head in frustration. _What kind of idiot does that! _

I throw my hands forward and two psionic blades around them.

…

They disappear as soon as they appeared._ What?_

How the hell did I do that!?

Okay. Okay. Concentrate, that's how it usually works, right? RIGHT! Right.

I feel something, alright concentrate on that and…

I suddenly get hit by invisible force and fly several meters only to be stopped by a tree. I think if I were human, I'd have a broken spine from the impact, probably the muton and berserker genes pulling their weight.

So… did I just psi-bomb myself? I look up and the place I was standing at was replaced by a three-meter crater.

Maybe I should try and repeat what I did with my arms?

Ok, so concentrating and slowly sending the energies outward, to not accidentally blow myself up again. I imagine the shape of the blades, enveloping my fingers, moving towards my elbows and giving them as solid form as I can. I slowly open my eyes and see as psionic blades are slowly shaping.

Just from the wrist they're at least a meter long and shimmering with blue energy.

I cut the closest tree next to me. It goes through it like hot knife through butter. The tree falls next to me. I stare at the tree for a while, then look at my blades, then back at the tree again.

I smile.

Sometime later

_I may have overdone it_, is the thought that goes through my head as I look around.

A lot of trees, that I stacked on top of each other.

Welp time to test some other powers like actual telekinesis. Because from what I remember the closest thing to telekinesis was detonating grenades that ADVENT soldiers were carrying.

As I mentally prepare myself for the task at hand, I hear a sound that doesn't belong to any creature that should live in a forest. It sounded artificial like a sci-fi engine or something along those lines.

"What is this place? "I hear a young, slightly raspy voice of a girl.

"I think this must be the Shimmering Woods. They say there are strange old monsters in there and… and the trees move when you're not looking. "Says another young voice.

I decide to observe them from the cover provided by the foliage. They're on a small boat floating in the air. Probably some anti-grav tech. Also, Shimmering Woods? Not the most threatening of names but ok.

"Every Hord squadron they sent in there has never come out again. "

Despite the skiff, I'm gonna refer to it as skiff for simplicity's sake, moving somewhat slowly, it's still moving a bit too fast for me to just walk alongside it. I try to put a bit of my psychic energy into my legs in order to muffle the sound of my steps.

"Let's go in. "Says the raspy one.

"Wait, what? "The other asks completely confused.

I hear a pull of a lever and the humming engine roars to life.

_Shit! I won't be able to keep up with them._ Then an idea hit me. If I can use my psi-energy to muffle sound I make, maybe I can enhance my already ridiculously modified body even more, if only temporarily.

They speed up and I jump forwards and continue to rise and rise and-oh, hey I can see the peeps on the skiff.

One is a human girl with blue eyes and blonde hair and either she's really small or this body is much taller than I presumed

The other is well… a thundercat? Look it's a humanoid orange feline, there is no better comparison than that.

They keep changing course, making sudden turns changing elevation. Makes it really hard to keep up with them but somehow, I manage.

"Catra slow down! "Yells the human girl.

Catra, the feline, doesn't seem to listen. She is completely engrossed in the moment.

"Catra, tree! A TREE! "She practically screeches taking the skiff controller and pulling up.

The skiff obeys and starts to move up.

I decide to get behind them rather than stay on the side. It's the least probable place they'll look at, since you know. Always watch the road. Or well in their scenario watch the tree crowns.

Blondie actually looks like she's handling it.

Until a vine that looks like a poor man's attempt at hanging rope wraps around her neck and she loses footing and falls of the skiff.

"ADORA! "Catra yells as the now named Adora is falling to her inevitable demise….

Nah, I think I'll help her out. I catch her and as we fall towards the hard ground, I gather my psionic energy to lessen the force of the sudden stop.

Feet met dirt floor and a small crater is created from the force as it's dispersed across the ground.

I look at her and she had her eyes closed. Probably passed out.

I look up and check the way she would have fallen if it weren't for me. Okay so she would probably graze that branch which in turn would rotate her and she would fall face first into a bush.

That's a big bush, really big. Probably would negate all the damage that would be normally caused by such a fall.

The bush would be totaled though.

So not only is my first time trying to save someone completely unnecessary, but I might have left her in a worse condition then if I didn't didn't do anything at all.

Sigh

Great. Just…great.

Might as well use the bush since it would be destroyed anyway. I throw the girl on top of it. Probably should have gently lay her there but why. She's unconscious anyway, not like she's gonna complain.

I look at her face again to take in the details. Funny for someone unconscious she sure has her eyes open like a rabbit in a …oh.

She's glaring at me. "Are you with the princesses? "She pretty much demands.

Princesses? What? "No, I am not with the princesses. "I reply with a dead pan voice.

"So, you're with the hord then? "She asks a bit hopefully.

"A thanks would be nice you know. "I kinda, sorta, totaly dodge the question.

She blinks a few times and then something dawns on her. "Oh, right, thanks. "She says somewhat warily.

Then the silence starts. Awkward silence, that's one thing I'm really good at.

"Welp. Bye! "I jump backwards with as much power as I can.

"Wait! " She cries out.

She'll be fine. probably.

I make my way back to what I guess is now my camp.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes practice. So- suddenly I get hit by a motherload of all headaches.

I grab my head in pain. _What the hell is happening!_ It's like someone really wants to _shred my mind apart!_

"-the balance must be restored. Etheria must seek a hero. "I hear a cry of a baby._ GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!_ I use as much psychic energy as I can muster, hell of a lot more than I could before.

The headache slightly subsides, but the entire area around me is completely gone. No dust, no ash. Just gone.

…

I need some fresh air. So, I set up once again into the forest, hoping that it will make the headache more tolerable.

Hell of a lot more time later

Yep. It's official. I'm completely lost.

I sigh in irritation.

It's even dark. Seriously how long was I walking?

"What are you doing out here Adora. "I hear a familiar voice.

"Catra´s right. This is crazy. There's no sword and no weirdo in white, just got hit in the head a little too hard. I should just go back home. Forget about all this. "

Really? Weirdo in white.

"The sword is quite real. You just can't find it. "I tell her.

"Oh, great now I'm hearing things. "She says somewhat defeated.

"No, you're not, just turn around." I tell her with a bit of amusement.

She does as I say.

"Y-you're real. Then that means that the sword is real as well! "She grins. „I'm not crazy after all. "

"If you're looking for the sword, maybe we should follow that weird glowing light. "I point at the light that I _just now_ notice.

She frowns a bit, then decides to go there. I, very intrigued what might happen, follow.

We remove the branches out of our way as we continue to walk closer to the light. Until finally.

There, a sword covered in tree roots, glowing with the brilliance of a perfectly cut diamond. Its handle looks golden, with a green gem imbedded in it.

It's beautiful.

Of course, as fate would have it. Our moment of basking in the presence of this magnificent creation is disturbed by two voices.

"-just let me lead the way okay. "I hear a feminine voice.

"The light came from the edge of the forest. "The other voice, masculine responds.

"Yes, you saw the light it's this way. "Into the clearing walks a girl in purple, somewhat chubby and… are those sparkles in her hair? The hell?

"Tracker pad says otherwise. "The masculine voice belongs to a dark-skinned guy with a quiver filled with arrows.

Wait. They have anti-grav yet still use arrows. What kind of backwards dystopia did I get send to?

Adora nudges me and I look at her. „Get ready to take the sword. "She tells me somewhat worried.

Since when are we allies? Then again, she is probably the first friend I hope I made in this world so why not help her out.

"OK "I whisper to her.

Once the purple one spotted us she gasped and then had a surprised expression on her face. For a second nothing happened. This wasn't even a tense moment. It looked more like she just met some distant relative that she just remembered she has.

Then she finally opens her mouth.

"Horde soldiers! "Soldiers? I don't see any soldiers here. It's only me and Adora.

She serious right now! Adora looks 15 maybe 18, if you squint really hard but to call her, no us soldiers that's just ridiculous.

"I see her. "Her, I'm gonna assume subordinate, unhelpfully adds.

Then they start to yell really loudly.

_God where did I go wrong?_ I think in exasperation.

Adora on my side gets ready to dash to the sword. I lean to my side and immediately do a 90O turn and mad dash towards the sword.

Adora is right next to me and from the corner of my eye I see those two idiots, yes that's an apt description of them, running after us.

I hear a whoosh sound and the pink girl materializes behind the sword holding it.

Me and Adora hesitate for a second. Wrong choice, that brat teleports out.

Only to appear next to us. _What?_ That's completely useless! Why?! You can teleport! Why would you just teleport few steps away! It's a complete waste.

"Bow catch! "She throws the archer the masterpiece like it's some bag filled with trash. No, I'm not gonna say that the situation demands it. I don't care if you're right brain. No one treats such fine craftsmanship with such a disrespect.

He catches it but drops the bow.

I am surprised at how unsurprised I am.

He then whimpers a bit. No, I am not kidding, and starts running away.

"Give me the sword. "Demands my, hopefully, best buddy.

Only for pink blob to teleport a top of her and pull her hair.

That doesn't slow me down idiot. _You should have thought this through before you dropped your bow. Maybe you would have stood a ghost of a chance!_

Then something I didn't expect happens I trip and fall face first into the dirt. Okay, **H**_O__**W!**_

I look at what tripped me, and a rope connected by two arrows. Must have set it up when we were running. Well played archer, or just mad luck. Most probably luck. I look up and see Adora using some weird contraption that spins in the air and wrap around the archer's legs. I start to get up.

"Stand down I don't want to hurt you. "Adora says. I catch up to her.

"Since when do horde soldiers not want to hurt anyone? "Then she throws a sparkle bomb. I would have laughed at something so stupid but for some reason it doubles as a lite version of flashbang.

Adora is quick to recover and tackles the oversized fairy to the ground. Then she tries to reach for the sword only for the archer to drop on her.

Did they seriously forget about me? Eh, I'll take it. I slowly reach for the sword only for Adora to struggle her way towards it. Then she touches the gemstone imbedded in it.

Light envelopes everything and I felt something in the back of my head.

Oh, no. Not this shit again! Sadly, I can't muster the strength like before and am promptly hit by a motherload of all headaches, then I pass out.

Who knows how much time later

"Hey they're awake! "I hear the archer, also hello world of the living.

Somehow my headache is even worse than before.

"What happened? "Asks Adora.

"We both somehow passed out. "I tell her, whilst looking down at her. Seriously how tall is the Avatar? Or is everyone just short? Meh, questions for later.

"Quiet hord spies! "The sparkle bomb's face just few inches in front Adora.

"I ask the questions. "She orders.

"How did you get so far into the Whispering woods?" She rose, embedding the tip of the sword into the ground. My eye twitches.

"I just…walked in. "Adora says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"I literally live here. "I answer with emotionless tone. Glitterbag glares at me. I give her my best poker face though the mask doesn't really show it for obvious reasons.

"Oh, and we're not spies. At least I'm not. "I immediately add.

"He's right. We're not spies. "Adora confirms with a bit of anger.

Cotton candy haired girl puts both of her hands at the pommel of the sword like it was a cane. My head twitches.

"Sure. Sure, you just so happen to find yourself in the Whispering woods. Like you just so happen to try and steal our sword. "She finishes whilst pointing at the sword. I swear I'll beat her up if she starts using the sword as a toothpick.

As a matter of fact, I'll just break the rope and…why can't I use my powers? Come on I had a decent control of them before I blacked out. Let's try again. I channel my power only to be met with a head splitting headache. I physically wince. No one seems to notice _somehow_.

"It's not yours. We found it first. "We found it around the same time actually. Whose side am I supposed to be on again?

"The Whispering woods is under the Rebellions protection. You were lucky to get as far as you did. "She said as she came closer to the archer.

"C'mon Bo, let's get these spies back to Brightmoon where they can be interrogated properly. "She says as she pushes Bo. I'm getting tired of calling them names, ok brain. She then drags him away.

We can still see them. She seems ecstatic about something. Maybe it's her first time actually doing something right? Yeah, that must be it.

She's probably thinking what food she'll buy from the extra from dragging us in. Well the joke is on her I am not part of the Hord and therefore know nothing of them. You're gonna have only half of what you think you'll get _sucker_.

"Now, c'mon on your feet. "She then yells.

I just stare at her unimpressed.

"You're new to this aren't you. "I tell her.

"Zip it. "She jabs the sword into my chest with little force.

"Do you even know how to use that sword? "I ask with a bit of amusement.

All I get in response is a glare.

Sometime later*sigh*again

"You positive we're going the right way Glimmer? "Wait_. Her name is Glimmer?_

Smirk appears on my face, hidden by my mask. Her parents either hate her or we're in some MLP level naming world.

"I know what I'm doing Bow. "She tells him as she stops walking. If she's lying, I wouldn't blame her. All the trees look so dam same that I'm starting to think that we're walking in circles. There are literally no landmarks to navigate.

"Can you please just trust me for once? "She asks and the walk resumes.

"You know I always trust you. "If she knew you wouldn't have to tell her. I'm starting to think my headache is making me more negative than I thought. Possibly dumber too. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't think something so childish. Or most the stuff I thought about them. I completely get engrossed in my own thoughts, ignoring everyone around me, just walking alongside them.

I'm brought back to reality by magic noise. Don't really have a way to describe it. Maybe compare it to some spell sounds from Terraria?

"Ok, touchy. "He uses his bow to lift the branches so Adora doesn't have to go around them. As for me I'm on the opposite side of Bow.

"Sorry about her. Usually she's really nice. "

"I highly doubt that. "I tell him.

He looks at me with a frown.

"You just need to get to know her better. "He tells me.

"That is _if_ I get to know her. Pretty sure I'll get tortured and sent to the dungeons after you get whatever it is you want from me. "I shoot back.

Bow's eyes widen. "We aren't barbarians we would put you into jail sure but not the dungeons. We haven't used them in a long time. "He tells me.

Then we slip into a silence. He decides to turn his attention to Adora and offers a weak smile.

"Not much for talking, huh? "He tells her since she's been quiet the entire time.

She gives him a tired look. "I prefer not to swap pleasantries with my captors. "She finally says.

He shrugs. "Suit yourself. "He says as they climb over a big root protruding from the ground.

Glimmer keeps teleporting around, looking at her tablet or data pad or whatever it or whatever it's supposed to be.

"You know she's a princess, right? "Adora asks him. Bow just smiles and crosses his arms.

"How can you follow her. Princesses are a danger to everyone on Etheria "She adds. Also, Etheria sounds weirdly similar.

His smile turns into a concerned frown. "Is that what Hordak told you? "

She just raises an eyebrow. "Well, I just thought it was common knowledge. They're violent instigators who don't even know how to control their powers. "

Glimmer groans in frustration and teleports away. I look at her retreating form. I turn my head to Adora. "It would seem that Hordak has really brainwashed the populace if he got you to think that after how…moderately she used her powers." I _tried _to use the word well but to me it looks like she isn't putting any thought where to teleport when it comes to combat.

"He's kind of right whatever Hordak told you is probably a lie. "Bow agrees with my assessment.

"I mean have you ever even met a princess before. "I ask her.

"Uh, well maybe not in person but- "She gets cut off when we hear Glimmer moan in anguish.

We speed up and hear her moans transform to genuine crying. When we find her, she's standing in front of a burned down building. No, a village.

Glimmer picks up a piece of shattered pottery.

"What happened to this place? "Adora asks. Her look is saying that she's completely lost and horrified by the scene.

"The blasts look like they're from energy weapons, most likely laser or plasma. There seem to be some parts that were destroyed by bombs. Whatever happened here wasn't an assault or raid or a siege. "Glimmer's face reddens in anger. "It was a massacre. "Her face loses its heat and is replaced by sorrow.

"The only faction that I assume possesses this weaponry is most probably the Hord. The reason why it wasn't the rebellion aside from this being their territory is that they don't possess this level of advanced technology. Because if they did, they wouldn't come without that floating boat you were on when I first met you. "I continue in an uncaring tone.

"I am sorry Adora but with the information I have at the present Hord is the only player who would do this. "I finish with apologetic tone. "I know that you think highly of them, but the truth seems to be that whatever you know is just lies. "

"No, no way the Horde would never do this! "She tries to defend.

Glimmer grabs Adora by the rope around her hands and drags her. I follow her wondering what she has to show how wrong Adora is. I'm sorry my (hopefully) bestie, but sometimes a friend needs to go against you to help you grow and learn and hopefully save.

That sounds really cheesy.

As we arrive and the scene Glimmer points at a broken ball bot. Insignia in the shape of wings coming out of a crystal.

"Oh yeah? "She says like we're talking about the weather.

Then it turns grim. „You're a heartless destroyer just like all the rest of your people! "She turns around looking at the ground.

Adora looks offended by that. "I am not a destroyer! Hordak says we're doing what's best for Etheria! We're trying to make things better, more orderly! "

I walk behind her. She turns and looks up at me. I decide to take of my mask. As my hands reach for it, I start. „Tell me Adora. Can you look me in the eyes- "There's a hiss sound as I take my mask of. „-and tell me that what Hordak's doing right now. What he's done to this village and its people. What he'll do in the future. Can you truly say that he does it because he thinks it's in the best interest of people of Etheria? "

„I- "She immediately stops, looking lost.

This burnt down village reminds me of the time I watched documentaries about the second world war. When it reached the point of talking about _the camps_ and of what happened in them. It made me tear up a bit. That there are people that are willing to do something this cruel.

If Hordak is as cruel as them. I think as I turn my head towards the village remains. If he's anything like them, then I guess I have a goal.

My gaze hardens. Hitler took the easy way out when he lost, so did Stalin although he didn't technically lose but the point stands, that died without any justice being delivered. But you Hordak. I will have fun with you.

That sounds way edgier than I thought.

"He's right you know. "Glimmer adds with a whisper

"Ever since the Horde got here, they've been poisoning our lands, burning our cities! Destroying everything in their path! "Over time her voice raises with renewed anger.

Then she glares at Adora. "And you're part of it! "At this point Adora's completely shaken.

Glimmer leans in. "How's that for orderly! "And with that she turns around and walk away.

"This doesn't make any sense. The Horde would never do something like this. "

"If the Hord can do something like this without batting an eyelash, I wonder what skeletons it has in the closet. "I tell her. At that point Bow decides to chip in.

"Did you really not know any of this? I mean your army is literally called the Evil Horde. "

"Who calls us that! "She demands.

Bow looks at her like she's grown a second head.

"Everybody! "He tells her.

She looks down. "The Horde rescued me, when I was a baby and gave me a home. They're my family. You don't know them like I do. "She declares.

"Are you sure they rescued you and not steal you from your parents as they were pillaging villages? "I ask her. "Perhaps what you know of them is only what you want to remember about them. "

"Maybe you don't know them like you think you do." Bow adds.

"Couldn't have said it better myself. "I tell him. He smiles a little at that.

Our little friend session moment got interrupted by the screech of Miss Marshmallow.

She runs out of the bushes and frantically looks behind herself.

"There's something out there! Something big! "

Bow, Adora and I run up to her. Bow has his arrows ready to shoot.

"How big? "

The ground shook and a giant bug monster appeared, roaring. It runs towards us, its mandibles striking the ground we occupied with us only dodging it within few moments.

Glimmer is the first to be struck, but she teleports to a tree root that is high enough for her to jump on its head.

The moment she lands she unleashes a sparkle bomb. Oh, for fucks sake how will that even help!?

Alright, time for me to show my moves. I try to charge my psychic powers but the best I can manage is a faint glow around my hands.

Did that sword seriously nerf me! How could you betray me in such a cruel way?

Anyway, Sparkbutt's glitter bomb does fuck all and the bug thing proceeds to smash its mandibles into the ground, shattering it on contact.

Adora gets stuck when her foot falls into a crack that formed from the shattered earth.

Monster decides to attack Adora in her moment of weakness, but Bow gets in front of her and shoots an arrow that releases a gum like fluid and encases the mouth of our not-so-neighborly monster.

As it tries to get the gum off its mouth Bubble tea shoots glitter after glitter with no noticeable effect whilst screaming like a maniac with her eyes closed.

Result? She gets hit by the mandible and the force of the hit throws her into a tree.

I could run. It wouldn't be hard with the way they're preoccupied. I look at Adora as she frees herself from the crack in the ground.

She looks at the sword and then at those two morons struggling, then at me.

Sigh, fine. I'll try and help. Somehow.

"Hey bug brain!" Adora shouts at the monstrosity. _What the fuck are you doing you idiot! You wanna get squashed?!_

She raises the sword and starts murmuring something.

The monster rushes at her at just the inconvenient moment of her dropping the sword.

_Shit! Shit! SHIT! C'mon what can I use? My headache receded a bit maybe I can do… No not a void rift I don't even know how to do that. Null lance? No, the only thing I can make are some psionic blades… What if I threw them? Or threw a long blade or a spear?_

I gather whatever psychic energy I can and form it into a spear. It's unstable and probably won't be as damaging as it would have been if I had more than few seconds, but it should do the trick. I throw the spear like an Olympic athlete. Or at least how I imagine an Olympic athlete would throw spears.

As the spear hit it only cracked the carapace and the creature seemed to not care at all. The fuck? Just how weak due to these headaches am I?

When the front mandible strikes down ready to kill my possibly no longer bestie it stops as it hits the sword and the sword…glows?

Something tries to ram into my head again but it's a lot weaker than last time. SO much so that I can just put some primitive barriers around my mind and ignore the onslaught of headaches that are promised should I drop them now.

"FOR THE HONOR OF GRAYSKULL!" Adora shout at the top of her lungs. _Wait! Grayskull? I'm in a He-man universe? Why is He-man a girl?! Dafuq? I-_Light too bright!

As the light fades there stands a tall figure glowing and probably ripping-off the Jesus of Nazareth after resurrection or something. I don't know I never bothered reading the Bible.

_Would you look at those muscles. An honest to got amazon that looks like she could give Wonder woman a run for her money. Almost. Too flat a chest for my tastes but them muscles dayum._

…

What? I like girls with muscles okay. It's not that weird.

Hehe. A she-man amazon. Now **this** is where the fun begins.

* * *

AN: I am so sorry for writing this. Also, this will most possibly have lemons somewhere down the line cuz I like writing lemons. Other wise I give this fic three Obama not bad memes out of two E;R reviews.


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